Yesterday I was driving, and I blissfully undaunted by my course
Content as I was sailing down the road with wind pushing me along
Today I was still traveling the same road, but I didn't know where I was going. The wind was still pushing, but I wondered where it came from. It was a malevolent wind, so perhaps I shouldn't have been headed in that direction. I got a little anxious, and decided to slow down, and finally came to a stop sign. I looked around and saw nothing memorable, and then felt misplaced. Should I turn around and go back the same way? That was my first thought...Is it worse than where I am now? That was my second, so I dismissed the idea. Why does driving have to be so difficult? When all I want is to go some place, and get somewhere, arrive at a place where I need to be. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I care what drives the wind? Do I really need to know my surroundings so well? Isn't one destination as good as any other? And what's wrong with a little reckless driving if it makes me happy? All of this, and I'm still sitting at a stop sign. I am still clueless as to which road to take, and what's worse is that I have wasted all this time getting nowhere. Oh no! Great! Now a car has pulled up behind me and is honking its horn at me. I really have to choose! Which road do I choose? Where do I go?
Oh God, where do I go?
These days, driving to and fro here and there, I'm getting a lot of time to myself. First of all, I love long drives. Bliss to me is driving down a long road with open windows, the music up, and my hair down. But isn't it funny that here lately I've been driving around without the music? I find that it's during my long drives that God really seems to speak to me (assuming I am quiet enough to listen).
Quiet.
That's a strange concept to me, and I'm not afraid to admit it! I'm not a quiet person by nature at all. Anyway, I was yet again driving home yesterday when I chanced a glance at the sky. It was incredibly beautiful! The tree line was accented with so many different pastels, and the sun was beaming up from behind the trees in a soft yet cool light. It was the beginning to a story, or maybe the end of a chapter. In any event, it was at that moment that I realized I had been looking up at the sky a lot lately. Every time I do though I see God's handiwork! I smiled big at first, and then I laughed out loud. I laughed at myself because I felt like a child again. Remember sitting in Sunday school when your teacher would reveal some amazing aspect of a Bible story? Do you remember the thrill and sheer amazement and how you could not wait to tell your parents the incredible and TRUE story you learned? That's how I feel! I feel like God is slowly revealing himself to me! It's like God and I are recreating a relationship. I'm excited and want to talk about it, but then typically I feel as though I'd get the same response from someone else as I would have my parents' years ago; a slow nod upward along with an "Ohhh" and a warm smile that is only given to show patience of my naiveties. But oh well, I'm enjoying my little Sunday School Lessons with God as I drive around the highways and roads in the quiet moments of my car.
The End
Smile, I love you
~Heather
Labels: A drive home, a glance up
And this will be a new life.. a time to start over new.
I realize that God is giving me a chance to grow. He is opening doors and closing windows. I'm a person who is very opposed to change, but I'm sure I fit into the majority as such. It's been so weird moving out of this house, and at first, while I thought I would miss it, I cried a lot and went into a state of depression. What is so strange is that the further I move from this house, and the more and more I take away from here and pack into storage, the more I realize that this house has simply been a shell of what I have called home. This house is not my home; it was the time capsule in which I stored my memories. This house is a symbol of what a home is; togetherness, a sense of belonging, somewhere to hide when it storms, a place to run from, a place to come back to, and a place that will always be there. It is what we, as our very basic human instict, want in our lives. It is stability. However, the things which make a house a home are moving with me. I will feel together when I am with my family in my new house because I belong there. I can hide in the new house when it's storming, and run from it, knowing I can return when I need to. My family will always be my family, and that cannot be changed with a whip of a pen or a exchange of money. I will always carry my home with me. On a sadder note, I have learned that although my family will always be with me, others will not. I do not have the precious freedom to treat others with the rigorous and ignorant bullishness that I do with my family. In the end, if God has shown mercy on me, I can repair damage done, but only to a certain extent. I cannot and do not expect the kind of luxury of acceptance or comfort with anyone else like I do with my family. If I make a mistake and hurt my sister or brother, father or mother, they will always know that deep down I love them more than the world, and that tomorrow we will be fine. However, such is not true with friends and aquantances.
On a brighter note lol, I realize that sometimes God gives us the best kind of friendships in the world where a friend becomes more of a sister or a brother. When friends become more like family, both parties can treat each other with the flowing honesty and brutal love that is fatal to lesser relationships. Such close relationships are so far and few between, it is almost as if (if it weren't entirely impossible) God made a mistake and that said friend should have been a sibling, so now He is making up for it by bringing the two together.
However, we know it to be true that God never makes mistakes, and we do all the time. It is because of our tendency to make a mess of our lives, that we have the control, with His help and our sacrifice, to fix our mistakes. Whether or not you decide to fix what is broken, to sacrifice yourself, and to take the time to repair the damage, is completely up to you. Understanding this, sometimes it is beneficial to repair your mistakes and build character, and sometimes you lose more of yourself in the process than you gain. Whatever the effects, the cause is your own.
And life...It was painful coming in, so why should we expect simplicity while we're here?
So in this new month, I have learned that there is something that is never lost (family), something that can never truly be found (friends), but that thankfully, if one is ready and willing to throw himself forward into painful heartache, dashed hopes, and broken dreams, he can gain the worldly goals that make a life seem so worth while.
He can gain stability and love through awkwardness and personal sacrifice.
Wow.
I'm so frustrated
I've never felt as lost
The worst part is that I don't care that I'm gone
The pain rises to the top, and I'm dealing with a hangover from you
I cannot further detach myself from you for fear I will detach my heart
You stopped caring, and what hurt the most is that I was not aware when
You left so fast, I was never more angrier at you than I was at myself
Of all the things I've ever done, for all the reasons why
This one I will regret the most, but I still can't change my mind
I sold it at a pawn shop, didn't think twice
I traded it to another man, never really missed it
I told you I didn't need it, never wanting it back
I left it in the middle of the street, never looking back
I threw it down the stairs, hoping it would break
I kicked it under a rug, didn't want to see it
I forgot that it existed, never forgetting I forgot
You bought it back from the pawn shop, I can't stop thinking about it
You traded it to another woman, I've missed it every breath I take
You said that you need it back, I've wanted it so bad
You took it where I cannot see it, I've been searching ever since
You caught it in mid air, I've seen what I can't break
You hid it from my heart, I'd be happy just to see it
You forgot that it existed, I'm remembering what I lost
Labels: goodbyes, moving on, tiger
Ships like this are extremely rare with so many indescribable features and nothing to declare. We have 3 possible maps, and not a one will tell us where we'll end up.
The only difference is how we go. We could sail slowly and cautiously, but then that's not very exciting. We could sail wherever the wind takes us, but then that's too much indecision. We could sail to that island over there and enjoy our time getting there. What's that? You don't see the island I'm pointing to? Then it's time to jump ship!
Labels: failed relationships, friendship, indecisiveness, ships
I wish I had a really good and honest quote about the perplexities of life becoming clear and simple to older eyes. However, I do not! So instead, you get a somewhat lengthy tell-tale of the goings on in my life, what they meant to me, and how I’ve learned from them. Lucky you! *BIG SMILE NOW! Grab a cup of coffee, sit down with me, and let’s talk about life, love, and religion*
You know that old saying that love will find you when you’re not looking? I think it applies to not only love but other aspects of life as well. Hold your horses buddy! Yes I’m single, but I’m just using the idea here. Since I started college a couple years ago, I have been worried and impatient with myself and the seemingly mundane slow-paced lifestyle I was living. Going to a community college and not certain on my major yet, I found every reason to cry out to God and ask him to just give me the answer so I could run with it! You know what I mean? I was to the “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!” point. God is so funny how he doesn’t let humans truly run the universe like we wouldn’t do a stand up job of it! Oh wow. Anyway, I’m always praying that God make me more dependent on him. I pray that I can be the kind of Christian with unshakeable faith who can see God in the midst of crises and trust that He will take care of the fallen sparrow. I know I have not reached that point yet, but I think I’ve hit a mile marker. I don’t worry about my major anymore! Through a conversation with my dear friend Elizabeth, I realized that God’s calling for me does not have to be so precise, but rather can be to do what I really feel I would enjoy while “staying under His umbrella” (a phrase only a home-schooled person can really fully appreciate but one that most the populace can now understand thanks to a popular pop song made famous by musician Rihanna. However, the ditty really does not do the phrase justice). Moving on, now that I have realized I can be more free to decide what I want to do with my life down the road, there is not as much pressure and of course, more possibilities! Is it not amazing how God can use a new friend to lighten an old load? *Insert personal note here: Thank you Liz, for sharing your experiences with me. If nothing else, I will have gained that much from our friendship*. I had been struggling so long within myself to pick my major. My parents thought that with my compassion for hurting people I should be a nurse, but I didn’t enjoy science at all! I wanted to do something in law and government, but I didn’t want to fight stupid and pointless battles. So, I’ve combined my softer side for the needy and my logical and argumentative side for the battle, and have come up with a plan to work in the humanitarian field in different embassies around the world. Wonderful!!!!! This gives me the opportunity to travel, affords me the need to learn different languages, and most importantly of all, widens my scope of influence to hopefully reveal all the wonders of the Lord so he can take my downfall, struggle and achievement and shine through them! Yes I know what you’re thinking and you’re right. That is a pretty freakin’ large order. Yet I think God can handle it, and I’m pretty sure with his help, I will be able to as well. God took my time off from college to really quiet my mind and turn me around so I could face Him. He brought me to a place in my life where I could be quiet and still so I could hear him, and THEN he straightened me out and let me walk on. Metaphorically speaking, I have grown to see that I need to slow down sometimes and take a minute to look up and be grateful for the beautiful sunset instead of glaring at the road looking for every chance to speed up and pass another car or side-step an obstacle. And I do! A week ago, I was at work and just took a minute to close my eyes while I was pouring coffee to thank God for the truly amazing parents, siblings and extended family I have. I began to think of how much God has blessed my life to the fullest! I have a family that loves me and will fight for me or with me lol. I have an enjoyable job with 2 great bosses, excellent co-supervisors and hard working baristas who all bring something special to the 3rd place. Anyway, all this came to me really at a moment when I wasn’t even thinking about what has to happen next in my life or what I’m lacking - i.e. a car!. Let me tell you that not even a week later my dad and mom felt led to buy a car for me. My mom said it was God’s perfect timing that brought that car to me, and I whole-heartedly agree. It was like God was saying to me. “See what I can give to you if you’re just patient and grateful?” lol. Well Lord ^, I see now. Now shall we speak of love and religion? Well, they really go hand in hand. Let’s just say that I have never been more infatuated or completely intrigued and in love with my Jesus. I believe that everyone has the ability to have a very special and unique relationship with the Lord. Furthermore, I don’t believe that everyone’s experience and faith can be defined the same way. My Dad’s strength in the Lord is shown through his many achievements in life. He has provided for my family in a way not many men in this country do anymore, and he has done it all while trusting God. My mom’s strength in the Lord is quiet. She has that quiet strength in the Lord like the silent stone that teaches more about life than the talking priest. I am learning to walk in my own relationship with the Lord and not to rely on others to provide their personal intuition or appraisal of their own experiences. I’m going to what I will, for now, call my home Church. I gain so much from the teaching through both the pastor and youth pastor, and I can give so much back through the worship and praise offered there. It took me a while, but I realize now that I am going there to build a relationship with God and not so much the people. I believe I started going to 12 Stone to belong there. I wanted to be strengthened and built up by people. It was in this mindset that I was constantly disheartened in the relationships I thought I had built there. Christ lovers or not, we are all still human and therefore have human tendencies. In other words, even fellow believers can disappoint. It says “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” in I Peter 5:7. It does not say to cast some of my cares upon God and some upon fellow believers. It does not say that I should get my milk from the Lord and honey from the Church. I have to cast EVERYTHING (my cares…that includes everything I care about!) on Him. It makes it easier to see people in a good light when I am not looking for something from them! I know it sounds cold but it really is not. This has freed me up to give to others without expecting in return, to understand and forgive, and to see others the way God see’s us; with the capacity to do good but the knowledge that we all make mistakes. Praise God! It makes my heart flutter and sing because I know that God has answered my prayer for dependence on Him. He has enabled me to work on my faith through the people I meet, places I go and situations that arise in my life. Is He not so kind to me!
Your’s truly,
Heather A. Andrews
p.s. Your coffee is lookin’ a little low. Refill? H.A.A
Labels: career, college, decisions, destiny, faith, growing up, life
First, I wanna share a little...I have recently seen God answer a few of my prayers.
A.) I was in an accident on WED of this past week (in my bro's truck!) and although it was not my fault, I was still scared of how the cop might see it, and I was also just really tense and worried about it. Ashley (who was w/ me in the accident) and I left the scene unhurt, but I just felt the need to pull over and pray about it.
many prayers answered!
1. I was unhurt, so was Ashley and the other woman and her son in the car.
2. God instantly relieved my stress the minute I gave it over to him.
3. My brother was not mad w/ me! lol a HUGE miracle might I add.
4. I got the police report today, and the cop wrote down the accident exactly as it had happened!
5. I was not charged. the other womans insurance will be paying for the damages to the trucks bumper.
Aaaand now for the biggie, hence my blog.
Tired of this life, so take it away!Well I got what I wanted and more. No really, I did. And now that I have what I want, I am beside myself with joy and angst at the same time. "Does He really have such a plan for me?" "What the heck!" and "Wow I'm depressed" is running through my head. But hold on! let me slow down and rewind so you can understand what I'm talking about.My prayer recently has consisted a lot of asking the Lord to take all my own desires away and refill it with His plan for me. prayer answered. I now more than anything am only interested in making myself available for God to use in day to week to month to year situations. I sit sometimes for an hour or so just marveling at His amazing abilities to make beautiful out of what we humans destroy, i.e. our lives et cetera. However, along with taking away my own personal desires I think I also somewhat damaged my own ability to feel emotion. Strange, and I really can't fully explain it except to say I really couldn't let myself be moved or touched by Him, I analysed to the point of not being able to get excited about praising Him, and I felt as though I would lose Him in the process because I knew the opposite would never be true. I have been so scared lately that I might turn away from Him and go back to living how I once did. I might fall OUT of love with Jesus. Honestly, I can't express a more terrifying emotion! Even having this feeling has made me feel like a hypocrit when I go to worship or try and study my Bible. Do other Christians that seem so strong in their faith have this feeling? Surely not, I told myself. Moving on and somewhat shifting gears, today was a pretty lousy day at work. Actually I can't say the whole day was...just more or less the end of it. I'm the type that kicks myself when I'm down, when I fail, or when I feel like I haven't done something as well as I should. And let's just say that today I made a mistake of small proportion but I let it get to me in a huge way. I was driving home and (of course!) I started getting upset and crying. Ya'll think that's severe but that's just how mad I was at myself that I could make such a mistake. Why couldn't I be perfect!? All this emotional upheaval and yelling at myself (in my head! haha), when God just spoke to me. It was softly, and it filtered through my heart. He seemed to ask me why I was so upset that I failed at such a human and impermenant task...isn't it Me that you are seeking and not the world? Who's approval are you looking for? Surely I will forgive you and will not hold it against you, so what more is important? Haha I started crying even harder! I laughed too! I felt so enveloped by God's love for me even through my blunders and mistakes. I tried to make such a big deal out of a small human task when God's plan for is so much more important and what I should be focusing my energy on. Not this! I sigh now and realize that in this small issue I turned to God and overcame it. Thanks are on my lips. Yes, I am still weary of leaving His presence, but if God will help me turn to Him even in the shortest of car-rides, surely He will be there for me when it comes to a journey much longer called life.I am at peace. I love Jesus so much :o)Labels: Gods presence, learning, lessons, prayers answered
I've been so lost to direction without a sense of belonging. I have felt the pressure of failure every time I try to step up to the plate and make decisions about my future. The nagging knowledge of not knowing where I am headed with my life has ironically lingered in every aspect of my life, hovering over my drive for life's ambitions with the kind of turmoil that can only be brought on by my very humanistic desire to 'make it on my own'. For a long while now, I've been searching for the right decision that would make my worries and fears go away. Impatiently I wanted to know exactly what it is that I should be doing, and start doing it! Why waste time? Why wait?!?! I didn't want to be left on the sidelines, in the dust, or be pushed aside. No, I wanted to beat the traffic, win the race, and get there first. Unfortunately, though passion and ambition are positive qualities; passion and ambition without patience and understanding became more of a hindrance to me than benefit. It says in the Bible that God comforts us and will lead us through the dark. A couple nights ago, He led me, almost literally! I was awake in bed and had been tossing and turning that night. Once more I was thinking about what I would do with my life and why I didn't feel sure of anything. Out of complete desperation, I did what I had not done in a very, very, very, very long time. I took my Bible out from the desk drawer which it was stored in between Sundays, and I opened the Bible to a verse which I remembered seeing on a calendar that had been in my mind from that point on.
1. I AM the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. 2. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. 3. Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. 4. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. 5. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit:
for without me ye can do nothing.
~John 15
RELIEF! That is the emotion that poured over me as I read this verse and pondered it over and over again.
Although I'm still struggling with giving up the reins, and letting go of having things my way. I realize now that it is not through my own will and decisions that I will find true happiness. What I want is a plentiful life. I want to know that what I am doing is what God has intended me to do, and I want to do it as best as humanly possible. And although I was willing to make all kinds of sacrifices a long the way - a sacrifice of love, money, nice things, relationships, and happiness – I hadn't thought of the ONE sacrifice that would bring me to where I wanted to be. The sacrifice I am still struggling with, the sacrifice of my own will. No, I'm STILL not sure of what it is I will be doing in my lifetime, but I know one thing is for sure. If I stay in God's will and try my best to seek him, I will "bring forth much fruit." I'll have the full life I want so much! What more could I ask for? I felt as if I have been washed of my worries, and as long as I remember to seek God first, I will hopefully keep that assurance. Here's hoping!
I am unperfect, but that's okay with me
I am not beautiful, and that is plain to see
I am not as smart as Einstein, or Tom Dick and Harry
Sometimes I screw things up, sometimes I often do
Sometimes I'm scared witless, maybe when I shouldn't be
Sometimes I won't ask for help, maybe even when I should
Letting other people see what I am not is easier for me
Than showing them what I am (I don't know who I am)
Doing what I sometimes do makes perfect sense to no one
But doing what I often do makes no sense to me
This poem is so stupid, childish and shallow
Why would I think you would find it incredible and insightful?
Maybe that is what I am, childish and weak
Maybe it makes you crazy, my grammar so incomplete
However, as I've said before, and I will have to say again
Whether you like it or not, I am unperfect, but
That's okay with me.
-Heather Andrews 06/14/04
p.s. I hope you someday see who I am, and who I can be.
It seems to surprise me now like a blast of rain on a sunny day, how the girlfriends you always thought would simply be there are complicatedly not. Hearing the lyrics "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, Make it last forever friendship never ends" is now a cruel joke or a jab of the elbow to the unsuspecting bruise instead of the melodic hug that seemed to exist between friends. In a world where independence is so widely exonerated, one would think there would be some sort of effect! had on the general female population. But, maybe I live in the wrong state. Why is it that I seem to be at such a disadvantage when it comes to understanding the dependence of a woman to a man? Maybe it is through the years of analyzing and decrypting the sorted messages and problems of all my friends and their relationship hang ups -does he like me, why doesn't he want to spend time with me, where is he, when he makes me feel this way, what does this that and every other signal he's sending me mean- that I am already exhausted from the ups and downs of relationship foreplay and therefore have no desire for any sex of my own. Is this prediction even logical? If it is logical, then is it general? Are there more bewildered and independent women out there who have lost all of their female companionship due to their friends primal need to be doted on and petted by a male partner? *All of you know who you are.* You're the friend that can't go out to a luncheon because, even though you have no time to hang out because you have a paper due in 3 days, you've planned a week ahead to spend that time with your boyfriend. So it's your boyfriend who is throwing a party with his friends. However, you also have neglected to invite your friend because guess what, she doesn't fit into that realm of new friends you've created with your boyfriend so it's a mute subject. And then there's you. You're the girl who a true friend could never be mad at because you're so incredibly needy and have no confidence or strength of your own to speak of; none of which is your fault entirely. You're the girl who has surgically attached the boyfriend to your hip. You stay at home waiting on him even when he won't return your calls or wouldn't wait an hour for you. So even though your friends have been waiting forever on you, you wait on him instead of going out and giving your friendships half that devotion. Thirdly, there is the friend that is just in such desperate need that she will take any attention she can get from any unworthy loser off the street without a good job. It's alright I understand. You would rather pay for both you and your boyfriends meals, movie tickets and clothes than spend an evening with your friend sharing in the cost of at least two out of three. What is wrong with you women? No, I do not understand. Furthermore, I pray that I am never so far into a codependent relationship to where I am able to understand such mindless meandering.
Labels: co-dependence, decrypting, friendship, independence
Prelude to Ambivalence
Music floods my mind with no theme
I cannot make my fingers play the tune
I see the accent deliberately sitting on a scale
Followed by a half note and then another and another
I become covetous of purposeful notes
With every crescendo I hear
I am in constant de capo
I never reach the end
I cannot and so I do not
Fermata! I hear no more music
My senses have dulled
Now there is dissonance
I need to be grave
I need to have gusto
I am without cadence existing in a phrase
Not time for scherzos I bang on the keys
I am in retrograde
I am at an incomplete interval
You hear my diminuendo
I cannot and so I do not
