Sunday, August 12, 2007

I've been so lost to direction without a sense of belonging. I have felt the pressure of failure every time I try to step up to the plate and make decisions about my future. The nagging knowledge of not knowing where I am headed with my life has ironically lingered in every aspect of my life, hovering over my drive for life's ambitions with the kind of turmoil that can only be brought on by my very humanistic desire to 'make it on my own'. For a long while now, I've been searching for the right decision that would make my worries and fears go away. Impatiently I wanted to know exactly what it is that I should be doing, and start doing it! Why waste time? Why wait?!?! I didn't want to be left on the sidelines, in the dust, or be pushed aside. No, I wanted to beat the traffic, win the race, and get there first. Unfortunately, though passion and ambition are positive qualities; passion and ambition without patience and understanding became more of a hindrance to me than benefit. It says in the Bible that God comforts us and will lead us through the dark. A couple nights ago, He led me, almost literally! I was awake in bed and had been tossing and turning that night. Once more I was thinking about what I would do with my life and why I didn't feel sure of anything. Out of complete desperation, I did what I had not done in a very, very, very, very long time. I took my Bible out from the desk drawer which it was stored in between Sundays, and I opened the Bible to a verse which I remembered seeing on a calendar that had been in my mind from that point on.

1. I AM the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. 2. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit. 3. Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. 4. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. 5. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit:
for without me ye can do nothing.
~John 15

RELIEF! That is the emotion that poured over me as I read this verse and pondered it over and over again.

Although I'm still struggling with giving up the reins, and letting go of having things my way. I realize now that it is not through my own will and decisions that I will find true happiness. What I want is a plentiful life. I want to know that what I am doing is what God has intended me to do, and I want to do it as best as humanly possible. And although I was willing to make all kinds of sacrifices a long the way - a sacrifice of love, money, nice things, relationships, and happiness – I hadn't thought of the ONE sacrifice that would bring me to where I wanted to be. The sacrifice I am still struggling with, the sacrifice of my own will. No, I'm STILL not sure of what it is I will be doing in my lifetime, but I know one thing is for sure. If I stay in God's will and try my best to seek him, I will "bring forth much fruit." I'll have the full life I want so much! What more could I ask for? I felt as if I have been washed of my worries, and as long as I remember to seek God first, I will hopefully keep that assurance. Here's hoping!


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