First, I wanna share a little...I have recently seen God answer a few of my prayers.
A.) I was in an accident on WED of this past week (in my bro's truck!) and although it was not my fault, I was still scared of how the cop might see it, and I was also just really tense and worried about it. Ashley (who was w/ me in the accident) and I left the scene unhurt, but I just felt the need to pull over and pray about it.
many prayers answered!
1. I was unhurt, so was Ashley and the other woman and her son in the car. 2. God instantly relieved my stress the minute I gave it over to him.
3. My brother was not mad w/ me! lol a HUGE miracle might I add.
4. I got the police report today, and the cop wrote down the accident exactly as it had happened!
5. I was not charged. the other womans insurance will be paying for the damages to the trucks bumper.
Aaaand now for the biggie, hence my blog.
Tired of this life, so take it away!
Well I got what I wanted and more. No really, I did. And now that I have what I want, I am beside myself with joy and angst at the same time. "Does He really have such a plan for me?" "What the heck!" and "Wow I'm depressed" is running through my head. But hold on! let me slow down and rewind so you can understand what I'm talking about.
My prayer recently has consisted a lot of asking the Lord to take all my own desires away and refill it with His plan for me. prayer answered. I now more than anything am only interested in making myself available for God to use in day to week to month to year situations. I sit sometimes for an hour or so just marveling at His amazing abilities to make beautiful out of what we humans destroy, i.e. our lives et cetera. However, along with taking away my own personal desires I think I also somewhat damaged my own ability to feel emotion. Strange, and I really can't fully explain it except to say I really couldn't let myself be moved or touched by Him, I analysed to the point of not being able to get excited about praising Him, and I felt as though I would lose Him in the process because I knew the opposite would never be true. I have been so scared lately that I might turn away from Him and go back to living how I once did. I might fall OUT of love with Jesus. Honestly, I can't express a more terrifying emotion! Even having this feeling has made me feel like a hypocrit when I go to worship or try and study my Bible. Do other Christians that seem so strong in their faith have this feeling? Surely not, I told myself. Moving on and somewhat shifting gears, today was a pretty lousy day at work. Actually I can't say the whole day was...just more or less the end of it. I'm the type that kicks myself when I'm down, when I fail, or when I feel like I haven't done something as well as I should. And let's just say that today I made a mistake of small proportion but I let it get to me in a huge way. I was driving home and (of course!) I started getting upset and crying. Ya'll think that's severe but that's just how mad I was at myself that I could make such a mistake. Why couldn't I be perfect!? All this emotional upheaval and yelling at myself (in my head! haha), when God just spoke to me. It was softly, and it filtered through my heart. He seemed to ask me why I was so upset that I failed at such a human and impermenant task...isn't it Me that you are seeking and not the world? Who's approval are you looking for? Surely I will forgive you and will not hold it against you, so what more is important? Haha I started crying even harder! I laughed too! I felt so enveloped by God's love for me even through my blunders and mistakes. I tried to make such a big deal out of a small human task when God's plan for is so much more important and what I should be focusing my energy on. Not this! I sigh now and realize that in this small issue I turned to God and overcame it. Thanks are on my lips. Yes, I am still weary of leaving His presence, but if God will help me turn to Him even in the shortest of car-rides, surely He will be there for me when it comes to a journey much longer called life.
I am at peace. I love Jesus so much :o)
Labels: Gods presence, learning, lessons, prayers answered
posted by smilesmore @ 5:05 PM
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