Yesterday I was driving, and I blissfully undaunted by my course
Content as I was sailing down the road with wind pushing me along
Today I was still traveling the same road, but I didn't know where I was going. The wind was still pushing, but I wondered where it came from. It was a malevolent wind, so perhaps I shouldn't have been headed in that direction. I got a little anxious, and decided to slow down, and finally came to a stop sign. I looked around and saw nothing memorable, and then felt misplaced. Should I turn around and go back the same way? That was my first thought...Is it worse than where I am now? That was my second, so I dismissed the idea. Why does driving have to be so difficult? When all I want is to go some place, and get somewhere, arrive at a place where I need to be. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I care what drives the wind? Do I really need to know my surroundings so well? Isn't one destination as good as any other? And what's wrong with a little reckless driving if it makes me happy? All of this, and I'm still sitting at a stop sign. I am still clueless as to which road to take, and what's worse is that I have wasted all this time getting nowhere. Oh no! Great! Now a car has pulled up behind me and is honking its horn at me. I really have to choose! Which road do I choose? Where do I go?
Oh God, where do I go?
These days, driving to and fro here and there, I'm getting a lot of time to myself. First of all, I love long drives. Bliss to me is driving down a long road with open windows, the music up, and my hair down. But isn't it funny that here lately I've been driving around without the music? I find that it's during my long drives that God really seems to speak to me (assuming I am quiet enough to listen).
Quiet.
That's a strange concept to me, and I'm not afraid to admit it! I'm not a quiet person by nature at all. Anyway, I was yet again driving home yesterday when I chanced a glance at the sky. It was incredibly beautiful! The tree line was accented with so many different pastels, and the sun was beaming up from behind the trees in a soft yet cool light. It was the beginning to a story, or maybe the end of a chapter. In any event, it was at that moment that I realized I had been looking up at the sky a lot lately. Every time I do though I see God's handiwork! I smiled big at first, and then I laughed out loud. I laughed at myself because I felt like a child again. Remember sitting in Sunday school when your teacher would reveal some amazing aspect of a Bible story? Do you remember the thrill and sheer amazement and how you could not wait to tell your parents the incredible and TRUE story you learned? That's how I feel! I feel like God is slowly revealing himself to me! It's like God and I are recreating a relationship. I'm excited and want to talk about it, but then typically I feel as though I'd get the same response from someone else as I would have my parents' years ago; a slow nod upward along with an "Ohhh" and a warm smile that is only given to show patience of my naiveties. But oh well, I'm enjoying my little Sunday School Lessons with God as I drive around the highways and roads in the quiet moments of my car.
The End
Smile, I love you
~Heather
Labels: A drive home, a glance up
And this will be a new life.. a time to start over new.
I realize that God is giving me a chance to grow. He is opening doors and closing windows. I'm a person who is very opposed to change, but I'm sure I fit into the majority as such. It's been so weird moving out of this house, and at first, while I thought I would miss it, I cried a lot and went into a state of depression. What is so strange is that the further I move from this house, and the more and more I take away from here and pack into storage, the more I realize that this house has simply been a shell of what I have called home. This house is not my home; it was the time capsule in which I stored my memories. This house is a symbol of what a home is; togetherness, a sense of belonging, somewhere to hide when it storms, a place to run from, a place to come back to, and a place that will always be there. It is what we, as our very basic human instict, want in our lives. It is stability. However, the things which make a house a home are moving with me. I will feel together when I am with my family in my new house because I belong there. I can hide in the new house when it's storming, and run from it, knowing I can return when I need to. My family will always be my family, and that cannot be changed with a whip of a pen or a exchange of money. I will always carry my home with me. On a sadder note, I have learned that although my family will always be with me, others will not. I do not have the precious freedom to treat others with the rigorous and ignorant bullishness that I do with my family. In the end, if God has shown mercy on me, I can repair damage done, but only to a certain extent. I cannot and do not expect the kind of luxury of acceptance or comfort with anyone else like I do with my family. If I make a mistake and hurt my sister or brother, father or mother, they will always know that deep down I love them more than the world, and that tomorrow we will be fine. However, such is not true with friends and aquantances.
On a brighter note lol, I realize that sometimes God gives us the best kind of friendships in the world where a friend becomes more of a sister or a brother. When friends become more like family, both parties can treat each other with the flowing honesty and brutal love that is fatal to lesser relationships. Such close relationships are so far and few between, it is almost as if (if it weren't entirely impossible) God made a mistake and that said friend should have been a sibling, so now He is making up for it by bringing the two together.
However, we know it to be true that God never makes mistakes, and we do all the time. It is because of our tendency to make a mess of our lives, that we have the control, with His help and our sacrifice, to fix our mistakes. Whether or not you decide to fix what is broken, to sacrifice yourself, and to take the time to repair the damage, is completely up to you. Understanding this, sometimes it is beneficial to repair your mistakes and build character, and sometimes you lose more of yourself in the process than you gain. Whatever the effects, the cause is your own.
And life...It was painful coming in, so why should we expect simplicity while we're here?
So in this new month, I have learned that there is something that is never lost (family), something that can never truly be found (friends), but that thankfully, if one is ready and willing to throw himself forward into painful heartache, dashed hopes, and broken dreams, he can gain the worldly goals that make a life seem so worth while.
He can gain stability and love through awkwardness and personal sacrifice.
Wow.
I'm so frustrated
I've never felt as lost
The worst part is that I don't care that I'm gone
The pain rises to the top, and I'm dealing with a hangover from you
I cannot further detach myself from you for fear I will detach my heart
You stopped caring, and what hurt the most is that I was not aware when
You left so fast, I was never more angrier at you than I was at myself
Of all the things I've ever done, for all the reasons why
This one I will regret the most, but I still can't change my mind
I sold it at a pawn shop, didn't think twice
I traded it to another man, never really missed it
I told you I didn't need it, never wanting it back
I left it in the middle of the street, never looking back
I threw it down the stairs, hoping it would break
I kicked it under a rug, didn't want to see it
I forgot that it existed, never forgetting I forgot
You bought it back from the pawn shop, I can't stop thinking about it
You traded it to another woman, I've missed it every breath I take
You said that you need it back, I've wanted it so bad
You took it where I cannot see it, I've been searching ever since
You caught it in mid air, I've seen what I can't break
You hid it from my heart, I'd be happy just to see it
You forgot that it existed, I'm remembering what I lost
Labels: goodbyes, moving on, tiger
Ships like this are extremely rare with so many indescribable features and nothing to declare. We have 3 possible maps, and not a one will tell us where we'll end up.
The only difference is how we go. We could sail slowly and cautiously, but then that's not very exciting. We could sail wherever the wind takes us, but then that's too much indecision. We could sail to that island over there and enjoy our time getting there. What's that? You don't see the island I'm pointing to? Then it's time to jump ship!
Labels: failed relationships, friendship, indecisiveness, ships
